Sweet Bitter Shadow
Last night he entered my dreams. We were in the same room, and I was glad of this. How many months had passed? How would he act? How should I act? Filled with uncertainty, I retreated to a window, and stood gazing out. He came to me. Stood behind me. Wrapped his arms around me. And together we wept.
We wept without resistance, held each other, unguarded. The heat of his neck, the scent of his skin, the familiar shape of his body. His hands and arms that I loved. Our bodies splitting open like hard crusts of earth over a deep red lava flow, the pain spilling out in hot pools.
Human again, whole again, ego obliterated by the touch of a hand.
Today, reading letters exactly one year old, I felt compassion for him that has long been absent. I felt a longing that made me remember the exact texture of skin and hair on every part of his body, the shape of his ankle and crooked breast bone, the look in his eyes when doing this, and this, and this. The muddy shades of his moods.
The way he went there, deep, to the center of my skull, to the darkest rooms behind my eyes, the doors we opened together that were petrifying but necessary, the silence, the acceptance. And how that all changed. And how, despite that, and myself,
I still love him.
We wept without resistance, held each other, unguarded. The heat of his neck, the scent of his skin, the familiar shape of his body. His hands and arms that I loved. Our bodies splitting open like hard crusts of earth over a deep red lava flow, the pain spilling out in hot pools.
Human again, whole again, ego obliterated by the touch of a hand.
Today, reading letters exactly one year old, I felt compassion for him that has long been absent. I felt a longing that made me remember the exact texture of skin and hair on every part of his body, the shape of his ankle and crooked breast bone, the look in his eyes when doing this, and this, and this. The muddy shades of his moods.
The way he went there, deep, to the center of my skull, to the darkest rooms behind my eyes, the doors we opened together that were petrifying but necessary, the silence, the acceptance. And how that all changed. And how, despite that, and myself,
I still love him.
posted by Black Egg at 3:26 PM
3 Comments:
HMMM.... DREAMS... they make things so shiny and nice sometimes...
i hope your holidayz have been bearable.... havent been around much so ill have to catch up!!! enjoy the moment.
Thanx... yes, dreams. Funny things. I do believe that dreams tend to tell the psychological truth of a situation, I mean, the truth for the dreamer. I'm grateful that I dream as often as I do, or rather that I remember so many of my dreams.
Yes, I've missed your posts/work rants! But if the reason they've decreased is that you're distractedly happy then I forgive you!
thanx for the forgivness!!! ill be back more, with work being out for two weeeks and my computer taking th big shit its been tough to get any online time.... and love readig your "work" as well, always so well written and full of life!!!
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