Owning Up To It

I realized something just now. A couple of things. They're somewhat related. One is that I always seem to find myself in situations in relationships where I don't feel free to speak my mind - either the shape of the relationship or the personality of the other half of the relationship seems to get in the way of my speaking - even thinking - clearly and openly. I hide, I bury, internalize it all. And I end up feeling miserable.

The other thing I realized is that if an antidepressant actually made me less depressed, then I might actually have the wits and energy about me to do something positive in the world, I mean in terms of social justice and politics, two things I actually do care about quite a bit, but end up feeling completely overwhelmed by. I mean, I get depressed about my own internal shit, and then try throwing that other crap on the pile - it can sometimes be truly distressing, and it makes me want to tune out, when I know I would feel better if I was doing something proactive.

I know these observations, particularly the second one, are nothing earth-shattering. But you have to understand my stance on antidepressants (historically I bash the hell out of them) to understand why, for me, this represents a sea change in my thinking. It's a similar logic, really, to why I would never kill myself, even though I've pondered it deeply many times. It just wouldn't contribute to the greater good, and would in reality cause a tremendous amount of grief and pain for others, my family in particular.

My depressive tendencies have recently been wreaking havoc in my life. Maybe being a happier person means being a less selfish, more giving person. Can I actually buy that argument? I'm trying to.