Considering Lent

Next Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, one of the four most widely observed Catholic holy days of the year. In Catholic school, we were curtly reminded by one of the nuns that this was one of the "CAPE Catholic" holy days, where all the fair-weather Catholics decide to attend mass. Following are the holy days, and the reasons these half-assed, so-called "Catholics" attend mass on those days:

Christmas: Duh. Birth of Christ.
Ash Wednesday: You get to wear a pious-looking ashy smear on your forehead all day, thereby "proving" you are Catholic.
Palm Sunday: Yeah, wha? Simple. You get to bring home palm leaves to stick behind crucifixes and/or mirrors etc. at home, thereby "proving", once again, that you are a Catholic.
Easter: Obvs. Rebirth of Christ. Technically the most important holy day of the year.

I have become a, uh - well, "I suppose if your kid's getting christened and you're inviting me I'll step into the church" Catholic. I no longer attend even the CAPE Catholic masses. The belief is long absent, and I don't believe in doing things for show.

And yet. I must admit to the season of Lent as being one of my favorites as a young girl. I loved the drama of the Stations of the Cross, and would usually go to the church after school during Lent, my prayer book in hand, and dutifully circle the perimeter of the church in the afternoon light, stopping at each station.

Good Friday, with all its hardness, its barrenness, its bleakness. The Stabat Mater,

Virgin of all virgins blest! Listen to my fond request: Let me share your grief divine.

As a child taking such words to heart, feeling the hollow echo of that day, purple and black no matter the weather.

Always we made our sacrifices, usually candy or ice cream, and took them seriously. Easter needed to kick ass, and it would kick much more ass if we had abstained from sweets for forty days.

This evening my mother gave me and other family members a copy of a small book, "Daily Reflections for Lent." That I actually took it home with me was satisfaction enough for her, I think. I have absolutely zero intention of renewing my faith, still, the Lenten season maintains a somewhat curious hold on me.

Sacrifice, reflection, culling out the heart and soul. Ancient Hebrew thought considers the heart to be not only the seat of emotions, but of the will. I struggle to keep my will and emotions at peace and at pace with each other, there at the center.

Already, the days lengthen.