Good Enough
This morning I "woke up" (I use the phrase loosely - insomnia has been plaguing me significantly over the past week) around 7:00 and realized I hadn't passed on some semi-significant information the day before re: someone that I am case-managing. So I turned the bedroom light on and made the call - we are a 24 hour facility. In my groggy state I conveyed the info.
A problem: I am literally case-managing in my sleep, I find myself in a half-sleeping half-waking state each night going over ridiculous, weird, inconsequential minutinae re: my cases. I lie there, twisting and writhing beneath the sheets, and oh yeah, my back is fucking killing me, so I'm negotiating a "comfortable" position, too, a comfort that lasts on average about 15 minutes before I feel compelled to switch positions and blah blah blah and wah wah wah and etc etc etc, oh fuckin' A.
Speaking of negotiating, I'm definitely still negotiating the waters of this job. I have a really bad tendency to cast internal doubt on many of the things I do there, second-guessing myself, feeling uncertain about how I am perceived by others, waking in the middle of the night thinking about the way I handled a given situation and whether I did it properly.
I do have allies at work, tremendous supports who have gently reminded me of the need to relax and do what I can do with the time and resources and knowledge that I currently have.
The other night I was reading from the "Daily Reflections for Lent" that my mom had given me some weeks back. I'm really not into the God Stuff, but am not arrogant enough to say there's no wisdom to be gleaned from some of it. A passage is quoted:
I cannot do anything on my own;
I judge as I hear, and my judgment is just,
because I do not seek my own will
but the will of the one who sent me. (John 5:30)
Yeah, ok, WTF? Quoting scripture now, are we? The author of the little reflections book goes on to mention an unattributed quote:
"I have all the time I need to do all that God intends me to do this day."
This was something I needed to read, I needed to absorb. I have been freaking on some level almost every day recently, and I need to calm. the fuck. down. I never would have guessed that this job would cause and inspire so much self-examination, but it has. It's stressful on one level (ok, several levels) but challenging/rewarding on other levels.
I am where I need to be, for now. And I'm good enough.
A problem: I am literally case-managing in my sleep, I find myself in a half-sleeping half-waking state each night going over ridiculous, weird, inconsequential minutinae re: my cases. I lie there, twisting and writhing beneath the sheets, and oh yeah, my back is fucking killing me, so I'm negotiating a "comfortable" position, too, a comfort that lasts on average about 15 minutes before I feel compelled to switch positions and blah blah blah and wah wah wah and etc etc etc, oh fuckin' A.
Speaking of negotiating, I'm definitely still negotiating the waters of this job. I have a really bad tendency to cast internal doubt on many of the things I do there, second-guessing myself, feeling uncertain about how I am perceived by others, waking in the middle of the night thinking about the way I handled a given situation and whether I did it properly.
I do have allies at work, tremendous supports who have gently reminded me of the need to relax and do what I can do with the time and resources and knowledge that I currently have.
The other night I was reading from the "Daily Reflections for Lent" that my mom had given me some weeks back. I'm really not into the God Stuff, but am not arrogant enough to say there's no wisdom to be gleaned from some of it. A passage is quoted:
I cannot do anything on my own;
I judge as I hear, and my judgment is just,
because I do not seek my own will
but the will of the one who sent me. (John 5:30)
Yeah, ok, WTF? Quoting scripture now, are we? The author of the little reflections book goes on to mention an unattributed quote:
"I have all the time I need to do all that God intends me to do this day."
This was something I needed to read, I needed to absorb. I have been freaking on some level almost every day recently, and I need to calm. the fuck. down. I never would have guessed that this job would cause and inspire so much self-examination, but it has. It's stressful on one level (ok, several levels) but challenging/rewarding on other levels.
I am where I need to be, for now. And I'm good enough.
posted by Black Egg at 10:15 PM
5 Comments:
what the hell is a mill house? I'm far too lazy to google it. But it sounds awesome. Like something from a Gene Wolfe novel. do you grind wheat with H20 power?
Hahahahahaa I loved reading this comment! Seriously, it made me smile. A mill house. Well, it's a house that was built by the owners of the (non-functional) mill that's down the street from here. Approx. a century ago. They are small and sturdy and lined up in rows (I guess maybe they're sort of like row houses?) and nearly identical to each other. And I live in one.
HA HA HA... i didnt want to be the one who asked but thats about what i figured it was. anyway...
sounds like you might need some of that television to let the brain drain... sleep was so hard for me to get a couple of years ago as well, there never seemed to be a soulution to it either... except lots of alcohol, not that it was a solution or remedy but i seemed to get at least six hours of comatose like slumber... hmmm....
oh,I know very well what a mill house is cuz I was born in Willimantic,home of the now defunct thread mill.Both my parents and grandparents worked there.We didn't live in mill housing but I'm familiar with the concept.It's simply housing built across from a mill for the workers of the mill.Think about-how can you be late for work when yr home ios across the street from the mill.There's much history behind this concept.If yr intested,then research.ytou'll learn much
lol-typos in the above.
my apologies.I'm slighty lit(aka:buzzed)
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