Kill Your Television
Just kidding. Thought I'd be a little dramatic, act like I've had some major change of heart when it comes to the TV. I don't need to say anymore other than that I watched American Idol tonight to prove that. But...I then exercised judicious self-control, and turned it off.
All is silent now, and that is good. Like in the before-times, before this Sunday. Tonight I feel stupidly wistful. It's partially an influence of the red wine, something I like to drink when it's freezing outside. And it's partially the influence of a strangely forgiving attitude I have today towards a couple of people I normally feel little softness for, these days. Which isn't to say I feel enough bitterness towards them on a regular basis to ruin my day or anything, just... I don't normally feel very soft towards them.
I don't usually think of good things they said and did and remember the goodness, but tonight I was doing that. I suppose it's not a bad thing. It is a slightly bizarre thing, because I found myself getting annoyed with myself for thinking warm thoughts of these people. Yeah, I know it's totally fucked up, what I'm saying. I'll stop.
Now I have the Tom Jones song It's Not Unusual stuck in my head. That in turn makes me think of The Simpsons Tom Jones Episode, which in turn makes me think of a certain house I lived in during the early-mid nineties, which in turn makes me think of my boyfriend then, and a few subsequent sweet, messy, confused but earnest affairs after we separated.
I think of things I did carelessly, breathlessly, feeling I had no choice. With one person. I had no choice. How something so fervent and unstoppable never ended in sex. Never. This chasteness we preserved. We had no choice. His eyes are still bottomless pools, to me, I could paint his face from memory. His name is still on the bricks of my old patio. He saved me without knowing it, long after the fact of our romance. He plans to marry now, a beautiful and talented girl. He is still my friend.
I wasn't talking about him, in the beginning. But I will talk about him at the end, even the very end. Wistful, I said I was stupidly so.
All is silent now, and that is good. Like in the before-times, before this Sunday. Tonight I feel stupidly wistful. It's partially an influence of the red wine, something I like to drink when it's freezing outside. And it's partially the influence of a strangely forgiving attitude I have today towards a couple of people I normally feel little softness for, these days. Which isn't to say I feel enough bitterness towards them on a regular basis to ruin my day or anything, just... I don't normally feel very soft towards them.
I don't usually think of good things they said and did and remember the goodness, but tonight I was doing that. I suppose it's not a bad thing. It is a slightly bizarre thing, because I found myself getting annoyed with myself for thinking warm thoughts of these people. Yeah, I know it's totally fucked up, what I'm saying. I'll stop.
Now I have the Tom Jones song It's Not Unusual stuck in my head. That in turn makes me think of The Simpsons Tom Jones Episode, which in turn makes me think of a certain house I lived in during the early-mid nineties, which in turn makes me think of my boyfriend then, and a few subsequent sweet, messy, confused but earnest affairs after we separated.
I think of things I did carelessly, breathlessly, feeling I had no choice. With one person. I had no choice. How something so fervent and unstoppable never ended in sex. Never. This chasteness we preserved. We had no choice. His eyes are still bottomless pools, to me, I could paint his face from memory. His name is still on the bricks of my old patio. He saved me without knowing it, long after the fact of our romance. He plans to marry now, a beautiful and talented girl. He is still my friend.
I wasn't talking about him, in the beginning. But I will talk about him at the end, even the very end. Wistful, I said I was stupidly so.
posted by Black Egg at 9:10 PM
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