Feather by Feather

At some point in the middle of last week, while in a particularly low emotional state, I had the thought. It was unexpected, random, and at the time, I didn't take it all that seriously. The thought: "I could always quit this job."

As the days wore on, the thought gained traction, to the point where, today at a baby shower, I found myself sharing it with a complete stranger whose husband works in the same field, and in fact collaborates with our program from time to time. Later, at work, I found myself confiding amidst tears to my favorite co-worker that maybe I wouldn't be able to stay.

We talked for awhile. I learned that some of my observations and feelings about another co-worker, technically a "superior", were in fact shared by many of the staff there. That really helped me feel a bit less isolated. Of course, that was only a small portion of what was really bothering me.

I wondered if my depression was causing my work-life to be difficult or if work was causing the depression to be more marked than usual. I believe it's both. This week has certainly been difficult. I have had to cry pretty much every day for about a week, sometimes several times a day. Today, two different people told me I looked sad. One was my mother; I responded by brushing her off and saying "I'm fine." Another was a client; I responded by saying "I am" to which she responded, "I am too. I'm thinking about my parents, they died in the spring." She went on to describe them as being "child-like and baby-sweet."

She and I went for a walk, around a pond in the park. We watched a pair of male Mallard Ducks quietly vie for a female's attention on a steep grassy hillside. I pointed out tiny blue flowers growing under a pine tree, "I forget what they're called" she said. "Forget-me-nots, I think. How could you forget?" We giggled. She checked to see if she had already told me before that I had "A delicate feminine heart and a delicate feminine frame." She had. She also reported that her "fiance" whom no-one has ever met, told her that he was "overwhelmed by her femininity." Damnit she is precious.

I feel better tonight, even though I accomplished little at work tonight and have tons to do tomorrow. The heaviness and the crying and the gravity of the past days have eased a bit, and I feel more capable. Showing my weakness, expressing my doubt, and accepting the limited control I really have over so many things has helped me get to that point. Why is it that giving up is sometimes what it takes to go on?