Actual Information

It is a gorgeous night, and though I'm guessing it's about 90 degrees in my bedroom, it's ok. I'm naked in front of the fan, feeling a little ouchy from waxing earlier, thinking about another beer but sipping water instead. A surprising array of night-flying creatures have made their way into the house, randomly bumbling along the ceilings and walls towards light sources, like my bedside lamp and my computer screen. I just blew a slender brown beetle off the keyboard and onto the floor. Now he's made his way onto the bedside table and is climbing over a barrette, a lipstick, a pincushion. Last night I got out of bed four times to escort bugs out the door. Not bothering tonight. They won't bite. Besides, when even the cat isn't bothering...

So anyway, yeah, lately I've been hinting about stuff in my life on this blog, but keeping most of the specifics veiled. I guess that's mostly what I do here, when it comes to talking about relationships. And I'm talking about relationships. And the strange ways people come into your life. And the unexpected ways they can affect you. I mean, utterly and totally unexpected. To the point where it's difficult to explain, really, without getting too far out there.

I have let someone into my life that I think is wonderful. The depth and quality of connection has left me speechless at times. The potential we have to learn from each other seems like... it seems like all four seasons of the year. And he has to go away. He is going away. Not tomorrow. Not next month. Maybe not even for a year. But definitely away. I told him I have moved twice this year, everything. I can't do it again. Can't is a strong word, but I can't. And until I know more and trust more about the situation... I won't move anywhere for anybody, not now. Been there and done that too recently for it to feel even a little safe. And I've come to accept that safety - and by safety I mean a sense that I can feel free and open and trusting and whole with a person - is extremely important to me right now.

I've invested myself too heavily, too recently in some situations that tore me apart, fucking annihilated me. I've got jitters about moving ahead with anything right now, and it feels like a mass of tangled, heavy wire I'm trying to sort through. I'm the queen of ending up in complicated situations, and I swear it's not by choice. But I have to decide now if I'm brave enough to not choose complications - and there are plenty here that I didn't mention (no cheating, though, on either side) - or brave enough (foolish enough?) to choose them after all.