Confessions
I didn't really notice how long it had been since I last posted. Busy, I guess.
A lot on my mind. I want opinions. Please bear in mind I'm in the midst of drinking some ass-kicking hard cider from Clyde's Cider Mill. I'll be talking in simple terms and simple language.
I'm 38 years old. I think of that number, that age - I have certain associations. Expectations, maybe. Nobody ever, ever guesses or believes that's my age. Most people guess 25 max, that's the God's honest truth. I am routinely carded for alcohol wherever I go. It's fine, it's all good. Can be strange and funny at times. I enjoy freaking people out with that fact, my age.
In the middle of June - my birthday, to be exact - I officially became romantic with the lovely, wonderful, kick-ass guy I am still dating. He's 25 years old, turning 26 this month, with a young daughter. Nope, didn't cheat on the mom or anything like that - has been well over a year since they've been romantic in any way.
He and I click and relate on about a million levels. His face is a face I feel like I could look at and love forever. He has been amazingly supportive, mature, real, communicative, patient, accomodating, loving. The sex is passionate and pure. His daughter has taken to me quite easily and naturally, to the point where, when I was in the presence of her and her mom the other day, she reached her little arms out and flung her body towards me to be held. I mumbled some kind of excuse to her mom as to why she had done this, realizing it potentially might've been hurtful to her.
And there's the moving away thing, happening at some point in the spring. I told him a few months ago - "I would never move there." I sounded pretty definite, and I felt that way. But it's a few months later, and some things have shifted in my heart and brain.
He's a heckuvaguy, and has done nothing other than continuing to plan for the necessary move to cause me anxiety and/or distrust. (Yes, the move is necessary and unavoidable, really. Long story for another day.) So why am I so scared? Why do I feel the nagging potential of self-sabotage coming on, sometimes quite forcefully? I literally sit there thinking - "He'll find someone else younger, prettier, better. I'm just something to do until he moves away. A novelty. A great story for later. I might as well end it now, before I get hurt." Yup. Pathetic. I swallow and swallow and swallow painful fears and anxiety. He sees the inner turmoil, he tries to draw me out, but I brush it off, not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it. Not wanting to show my fear and weakness.
"Protecting" myself before I get duped. Brilliant. It's lose-lose, this way of thinking, I'm painfully aware of it, but tormented about how to address it pro-actively. I'm afraid of losing him, but watching myself do everything I shouldn't be doing if that's what I'm really afraid of.
I'm giving just the partial sketch here of a deeply conflicted situation. There's much more to it. I'm trying to stop myself from deeply screwing myself.
As I sit here drinking this hard cider I'm thinking he and I need to get sloppy on it and wrestle (did I mention we like to wrestle each other? No, I mean really wrestle.) some of this shit out. I apologize to anyone that bothers checking in here for the dearth of posts.
Shit on my mind. I'm trying. All advice gratefully accepted.
A lot on my mind. I want opinions. Please bear in mind I'm in the midst of drinking some ass-kicking hard cider from Clyde's Cider Mill. I'll be talking in simple terms and simple language.
I'm 38 years old. I think of that number, that age - I have certain associations. Expectations, maybe. Nobody ever, ever guesses or believes that's my age. Most people guess 25 max, that's the God's honest truth. I am routinely carded for alcohol wherever I go. It's fine, it's all good. Can be strange and funny at times. I enjoy freaking people out with that fact, my age.
In the middle of June - my birthday, to be exact - I officially became romantic with the lovely, wonderful, kick-ass guy I am still dating. He's 25 years old, turning 26 this month, with a young daughter. Nope, didn't cheat on the mom or anything like that - has been well over a year since they've been romantic in any way.
He and I click and relate on about a million levels. His face is a face I feel like I could look at and love forever. He has been amazingly supportive, mature, real, communicative, patient, accomodating, loving. The sex is passionate and pure. His daughter has taken to me quite easily and naturally, to the point where, when I was in the presence of her and her mom the other day, she reached her little arms out and flung her body towards me to be held. I mumbled some kind of excuse to her mom as to why she had done this, realizing it potentially might've been hurtful to her.
And there's the moving away thing, happening at some point in the spring. I told him a few months ago - "I would never move there." I sounded pretty definite, and I felt that way. But it's a few months later, and some things have shifted in my heart and brain.
He's a heckuvaguy, and has done nothing other than continuing to plan for the necessary move to cause me anxiety and/or distrust. (Yes, the move is necessary and unavoidable, really. Long story for another day.) So why am I so scared? Why do I feel the nagging potential of self-sabotage coming on, sometimes quite forcefully? I literally sit there thinking - "He'll find someone else younger, prettier, better. I'm just something to do until he moves away. A novelty. A great story for later. I might as well end it now, before I get hurt." Yup. Pathetic. I swallow and swallow and swallow painful fears and anxiety. He sees the inner turmoil, he tries to draw me out, but I brush it off, not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it. Not wanting to show my fear and weakness.
"Protecting" myself before I get duped. Brilliant. It's lose-lose, this way of thinking, I'm painfully aware of it, but tormented about how to address it pro-actively. I'm afraid of losing him, but watching myself do everything I shouldn't be doing if that's what I'm really afraid of.
I'm giving just the partial sketch here of a deeply conflicted situation. There's much more to it. I'm trying to stop myself from deeply screwing myself.
As I sit here drinking this hard cider I'm thinking he and I need to get sloppy on it and wrestle (did I mention we like to wrestle each other? No, I mean really wrestle.) some of this shit out. I apologize to anyone that bothers checking in here for the dearth of posts.
Shit on my mind. I'm trying. All advice gratefully accepted.
posted by Black Egg at 8:56 PM
5 Comments:
welcome back, i must say i knew it... great sex allways leads to lack of posts, or the frequency of them... kudos.
dont envy your position at all. sounds like summer love but feels like waiting for a trinwreck. sorry , thats how i see it. i would say enjoy it while it lasts and take everyday at its value and dont worry about the future... thats how i do shit shit, but its not always the right thing. and having kids that are obviosly warming to you makes it even greater aches later on. for everyone?
i feel it. the stress of the situation thats in your post. pain and pleasure. there is no solution or proper advice, yer fucked. its impossible to know whats right or even if you make those tough choices if they are going to be the lesser of the two evils. would he be back enough for a "friends with benifits" status?
i tell you what though... when he is gone and you choose to stay, dont get all "whoa is me" for too long. yes feel the pain and the loss, but look at it from the point of your new found strength, your ability to choose you and your life as whats important. its not whats makes you happiest, but what builds your character. makes you strong and ultimately most desireable. there is no bigger turn on then a lady who is sure of her self and her position in this world.
i'll stop rambling, hope it make sense. hope you are feeling okay after the cidar drinking and hope it works out for the best. untill then enjoy everyday like its your last?!? i dunno.
Thanks for the lengthy response. I really do appreciate the thought you put into it. I still don't know what to think. I go back and forth, up and down with this situation all the time. Very fucking confused. I really have tried hard to take it a day a time, I feel that I have, mostly. But when the doubts creep in it's like poison, and I just want to crawl into my cave and die. It's crazy, because I can easily visualize good things, and have reason to do - I can also easily visualize bad things, and have equal reason to do so...I internalize a LOT of stuff, because I don't know what's productive to share in terms of feelings, fears, and hopes.
I want to focus on nothing but enjoying the time I am now spending with him, not on when that might go away, and how.
I realized today that I also pretty much need to pivot the focus squarely back to MYSELF, to what I need and what makes me happy outside of my relationship with him.
I know he also has fears, and hopes. I know the confusion is not one-sided. But his choices are dictated, as they must be, by his daughter, and I have never questioned this.
You may be right, it may be a train wreck waiting to happen. It might also be a long-running and acclaimed circus. I haven't given up yet.
Thanks again for the thoughts...
"I realized today that I also pretty much need to pivot the focus squarely back to MYSELF, to what I need and what makes me happy outside of my relationship with him."
BLAM!!!
you got it, i think. i feel for ya, tragedy and love, could it get any better?!?!
but when the sun goes down at the end of the day it is ultimately about you, and your right about him, at the end of his day its all about his daughter. my girlfriend squarely told me when we first started dating that there was nothing that was going to get in the way of what is best for her daughters.. i'm on the same page. keep us informed, ya know, udates, posts(happy and sad...) and perhaps it'll work itself out on its own?
From my perspective, it seems that you need to swallow your fear and talk to him about how you've been feeling (the he'll find someone prettier, better etc). I am horrible at telling my bf what is honestly going on in my head, and it creates horrible things once in a while.
Also, it sounds like you really are stuck. I know you want to be where you're at and don't want to move. And it sounds like he needs to leave. So- what can one do? Just be honest, above all. Don't hold stuff in. Even if it makes little difference to the relationship, I can guarantee it's better for your soul. Holding things in makes them fester. Even years down the road when he may or may not even be in your life. Just my thoughts.
Glda to hear an update from you!
Yeah, I know I need to tell him more about what's on my mind - not even so much the stuff you mentioned, more just dealing with the really stuck place that I certainly am in... afraid to move forward out of fear that he's not *really going to be there*, and feeling like I don't know how to build on a foundation that's... I dunno, a flatbed truck? He knows I've been mixed up and holding back, so at this point he's expecting to hear something from me, anyway. Sometimes I feel very expansive and at peace when I think about the situation, and other times completely closed, scared, and withdrawn. Fucking fuck. I will get through it. Thank you for checking in...
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