In the Night
Had a nightmare last night. One of those set-in-the-present moment type nightmares, i.e. in the dream I'm doing exactly what I'm doing in real life, lying in bed, here in my apartment.
I hear the door to my apartment open. It's 4 a.m. Door closes, and I hear someone walking around. I realize it's one of my brothers, because I hear him talking to one of the cats in a goofy voice. It sounds exactly like him, and he refers to my cat by name. The talking stops, but movement continues. For the life of me I cannot figure out what my brother would be doing here at 4 a.m., or where he got a key.
I get up nervously and go out into the hallway. I flip the light switch, but the light won't go on. "Paul is that you?" The voices changes, becoming flat and hollow. "No." I stand at the top of the stairs, continuing to flip the light switch to no avail. I see a shadowed figure at the bottom of the stairs, traced very slightly at the head and shoulder in bluish light.
I try to elevate and project my voice, saying "Leave!" but nothing more than a swallowed whisper comes out. I keep trying, "Leave now!" Totally ineffectual. The figure begins to ascend the staircase, and disappears from view in the darkness of the stairwell. I somehow manage to grab a coffee table book and raise it above my head, but have no confidence in my ability to effectively strike this being that seems to be coming towards me.
I wake up. Totally fucking panicked. I needed the cats near me, and thankfully they were, purring now that I was awake, and completely nonplussed. I needed to pee but could not bring myself to go downstairs. I considered texting a couple of friends but felt too ridiculous. I was fucking scared and feeling like I needed protection.
Instead of contacting anyone, I started writing, scribbling down stuff unrelated to the dream. Relationship stuff, the kind of stuff I think about in the middle of the night and it makes a lot of sense and seems very logical and obvious at the time, and I tell myself I'll remember, of course I will, and of course I rarely do.
Eventually I fell asleep again, but not very well. I know the dream is not terribly interesting, but it was terribly vivid, and I need to throw it out and get rid of it. The vulnerability and aloneness I felt was intense and I hated it.
I feel like I've been warding off darkness a lot lately, getting tangled in my thoughts and feelings, worrying a lot and just generally being prone to depression and even despair. On Tuesday I go to see my counselor, the one I usually only contact when I'm in deep crisis. I'm not there yet, in crisis, I'm just trying to head it off, and I guess that means something. Actually, I think it means a lot. Having spent way more money than I ever would have imagined I'd be willing to on a 10 part Rolfing series that is almost done, I am now thinking I need to start seeing this counselor at least once a month, money be damned.
I feel like I have a lot at stake, and I need to respect it and give it full attention. Even saying that feels good and empowering. My challenge has been to stay open and trusting instead of closing off and alienating myself from people and the world around me.
One of the things I've learned in observing and experiencing others in the context of family, friends, intimate relationships, is not just learning how to be, but also how not to be. I think the latter is almost more instructive and important. I know a fair number of people who feel they are running out of chances, time, trust, energy, possibilities, with hearts and egos that have been scarred, abused, and horribly misunderstood.
I don't want to be a closed, brittle statement, I want to believe in the comma, I want to make enough room in my heart for joy and pain to live together, and have more room yet for the joy and pain of others.
And tonight, I want sweet dreams.
I hear the door to my apartment open. It's 4 a.m. Door closes, and I hear someone walking around. I realize it's one of my brothers, because I hear him talking to one of the cats in a goofy voice. It sounds exactly like him, and he refers to my cat by name. The talking stops, but movement continues. For the life of me I cannot figure out what my brother would be doing here at 4 a.m., or where he got a key.
I get up nervously and go out into the hallway. I flip the light switch, but the light won't go on. "Paul is that you?" The voices changes, becoming flat and hollow. "No." I stand at the top of the stairs, continuing to flip the light switch to no avail. I see a shadowed figure at the bottom of the stairs, traced very slightly at the head and shoulder in bluish light.
I try to elevate and project my voice, saying "Leave!" but nothing more than a swallowed whisper comes out. I keep trying, "Leave now!" Totally ineffectual. The figure begins to ascend the staircase, and disappears from view in the darkness of the stairwell. I somehow manage to grab a coffee table book and raise it above my head, but have no confidence in my ability to effectively strike this being that seems to be coming towards me.
I wake up. Totally fucking panicked. I needed the cats near me, and thankfully they were, purring now that I was awake, and completely nonplussed. I needed to pee but could not bring myself to go downstairs. I considered texting a couple of friends but felt too ridiculous. I was fucking scared and feeling like I needed protection.
Instead of contacting anyone, I started writing, scribbling down stuff unrelated to the dream. Relationship stuff, the kind of stuff I think about in the middle of the night and it makes a lot of sense and seems very logical and obvious at the time, and I tell myself I'll remember, of course I will, and of course I rarely do.
Eventually I fell asleep again, but not very well. I know the dream is not terribly interesting, but it was terribly vivid, and I need to throw it out and get rid of it. The vulnerability and aloneness I felt was intense and I hated it.
I feel like I've been warding off darkness a lot lately, getting tangled in my thoughts and feelings, worrying a lot and just generally being prone to depression and even despair. On Tuesday I go to see my counselor, the one I usually only contact when I'm in deep crisis. I'm not there yet, in crisis, I'm just trying to head it off, and I guess that means something. Actually, I think it means a lot. Having spent way more money than I ever would have imagined I'd be willing to on a 10 part Rolfing series that is almost done, I am now thinking I need to start seeing this counselor at least once a month, money be damned.
I feel like I have a lot at stake, and I need to respect it and give it full attention. Even saying that feels good and empowering. My challenge has been to stay open and trusting instead of closing off and alienating myself from people and the world around me.
One of the things I've learned in observing and experiencing others in the context of family, friends, intimate relationships, is not just learning how to be, but also how not to be. I think the latter is almost more instructive and important. I know a fair number of people who feel they are running out of chances, time, trust, energy, possibilities, with hearts and egos that have been scarred, abused, and horribly misunderstood.
I don't want to be a closed, brittle statement, I want to believe in the comma, I want to make enough room in my heart for joy and pain to live together, and have more room yet for the joy and pain of others.
And tonight, I want sweet dreams.
posted by Black Egg at 10:29 PM
4 Comments:
SWEET! hows the rolfing? its a crazy experiance from what ive heard, very emotional. glad to hear that you are working through some of the ever present demons..
and please have sweet, sweet dreams...
Ya know, the rolfing has been physically very intense, but it hasn't been all that emotional. Though having said that, I have gotten sort of emotional a few times, but usually that's because I've had feelings like I'm never going to get better (as far as my back goes) and it's not so much connected to the immediate treatment. All in all it's been a good experience, I have really appreciated the depth and focus of the treatment - I wish I could afford to keep going regularly, but with winter coming (heating bills) there's no way.
No nightmares last night! And I think some of the dreams were sweet...
That dream reminds me of an NPR story I was listening to recently. It was with this woman who trains women for self-defense. She was attacked on her porch years ago and the only thing that she knew to do in that moment was scream. So she decided to learn how to defend herself. She was saying how weird it is that humans don't train their young girls to defend themselves when all other animal species do this, regardless of gender. Young female puppies aren't told by their mother to go play with dollies in the corner while their brothers play-fight. Humans are weird. I can't remember the woman's name but she wrote a book called "Beauty Bites Beast" i believe. It got me to thinking about taking a class.
That's really interesting, and so true - we don't train girls to defend themselves. I know that in my dreams I always feel ineffectual when it comes to defending myself against a predator, unable to even scream. Thankfully I've not had to do that in real life, although I kind of take that back 'cause there was that time I had to jump out of the window of a moving car with the stranger I had hitched a ride from trying to pull me back in. Yeah, there was that. Lost my fucking glasses. But in general, like defending myself in a real fight or struggle - not sure how I'd fare. Would I be able to scream? I hope so. I recently took a training for work on management of aggressive behavior. Learned some useful things, among them that a knife is way more of a threat than a gun, what kind of action to take based on the distance you are from a person and stuff like that. Pretty neat. But I still don't feel terribly capable. Thanks for checking in!
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