Briefly

I just thought the cartoon was funny, no, I'm not trying to say anything about my state of mind. I'm actually doing quite well, despite attending two funerals in the past week (one was for a client's son who was about my age; the other was my friend's mom, and former landlady.) Also am nowhere near being done with Xmas preparation/shopping/wrapping. House needs cleaning. Lots of cooking to do. I'll be slammed with mondo paperwork when I return to work. But I'm happy this morning.

Need to finish my coffee and this scrappy little post. Take a shower? Nah. Should start to tackle the household but will probably head out the door instead, connect with one or two of my siblings and make a shopping trip or four, spend a few hours helping my mother who is the definition of overwhelmed right now, come back here and do some more household-y stuff, wrap presents, drink wine or beer or rum drinx or hard cider to help that along, visit with a few friends, prolly here at my place. Try not stay up too late, go to work for 8:00, get out at 1:00, hope that my shopping is done by then? If not, head north to my old workplace. Later meet up with my man's family for a bit, he'll meet up with mine for a bit, not sure what'll happen after that. A lot of making out? Etc...

Xmas Day will be a morning til night epic, but it should be ok.

And btw, yes, I know I've been bad with the blogging lately - part of it is just the business of life, part of it is being conflicted about what I want to blog about, what I feel comfortable putting out there in the world. 'Cause most of the significant stuff going on with me has to do with relationships, and I'm feeling pretty private about it. It's much easier to write about sorrow and distress and bad relationships - I could have plenty of great things to say about what's up with me lately, but I don't want to jinx myself... yes I am superstitious!

Merry Christmas, and I won't say Happy New Year yet, because I promise to post before then!

Talking

I'm getting better at it. I've tried to make a deal with my... boyfriend? Can I call him that at 6 months? I think so! But anyway, I've tried to make a deal with him that I will tell him what's going on with me as soon and as well as I'm able to when something is "up" with me. I have a pretty bad inherited/learned/habitual practice of internalizing the shit out of most things that bother me, to the point where I am virtually torturing myself with the crazy-making internal dialogue.

I'm finding that talking is better. I'm finding it helps to be with someone who encourages it, welcomes it, has the inner strength and sensitivity to deal with hearing what comes out without immediately barricading himself with an arsenal of defenses. It's pretty fucking cool.

It's also incredibly difficult for me at times. I really struggle, stumble, hesitate. Tonight I really needed to talk, I really really needed to talk and what did I do instead? Withheld, withdrew, closed off, became quieter and quieter. We got off the phone and I was still a churning mess. I sent a text: "I need to talk to you before I go to bed."

And so I did. And so we did. And it was peppered with the requisite and automatic "I'm sorrys" and "Don't be sorrys" etc. but I felt so good for keeping up my end of the deal, and talking. And the talking itself made us both feel better. I know this seems like sort of minor shit to write about, but trust me it's not. In particular after my last relationship, this is like learning a whole new language for me, and some of the conditioned fear and anxiety I used to have is chipping away.

The lesson that has been presenting itself to me over and over again lately is this: The quality and course of your life is determined by the small decisions you make every minute. Now I'm sure that is a paraphrased version of some quote or another from some other source, but it doesn't matter, that is the lesson I have been taking to heart on my own, it keeps throwing itself in my path. I have a choice, always, in how I address any situation - I can constrict my awareness and suffer; or I can expand it and either accept or work to change the situation.

It may sound kind of duh on paper, but in practice - how many people do you see or know that really stand back and examine their actions or take responsibility for them? Not so obvious, and not easy, either.

I like the idea of building a cooperative relationship with my life. I know I'm not alone when I say I sometimes have a tendency to throw roadblocks up ahead in advance of my travels. Think you can do (fill in the blank)? WRONG! WRONG! Look at the treacherous obstacles! Stop now! You'll never make it!

I'm sick of that shit. Beating up on myself, doubting my feelings, naysaying before anything's even been said. Learning to be your own best friend and ally shouldn't be so hard. I feel like I'm beginning to accept that it isn't so hard. And that's pretty cool.

Christmastime is Here

I had to bite the bullet and do it. With tomorrow being our "Staff Christmas Lunch" replete with Secret Santa gifts, and a baby shower the day after that, and well, you know, Christmas - I had to set foot in a retail establishment. No, not the mall. No way in holy hell. But a close second, in terms of crowds and annoyance, at this time of year - I will not mention the name, but suffice to say it's one of those places that gets overstock from fancier stores etc. and usually has pretty good prices on most of it.

Surprisingly, and pleasantly, it was not crowded, I mean at all. I was there a few weeks ago and it was madness, so I figured it would be that much worse as Xmas drew near. I started picking out some candles, them realized I was going to end up dropping them if I carried them over to the baby section. I grabbed a carriage. They're funny little carriages, geared towards navigating cramped clusters of clothing racks and glass-shelved displays.

As any retail store with an abundance of (largely imported) goods will do to me, I began to get depressed. I start thinking of the journey of the products, the source and site of production, the channels of commerce and demand and conjecture about what people want and where and why. The emptiness, the disconnect.

I look around at the products that seem to promise comfort and luxury to "everyman" - faux fur blankets (they are really damned soft), outsized pillar candles, pillows suitable to outfit a harem room or brothel, leather covered boxes, cashmere stockings.

Music from "A Charlie Brown Christmas" plays in the background. It is the music from when Charlie Brown is out looking for a tree. Slowed down, plodding, thoughtful. A search for meaning. As I strolled and criss-crossed the aisles of the sparsely peopled store the irony wasn't lost on me.

I purchased 3 candles (one for me), socks, a baby-bunting type thing, microwavable booties for my mom and aunt (yeah, I know, weird - they're filled with little beads that retain heat), and a sexy pair of undies. For me. Or him, however you want to look at it.

And then I drove home. And grabbed my empties, and headed back out to the packy, beer tonight, no more of this whiskey and water business that I've been pulling for a few nights. Oh! And last night I cleaned the living hell out of my junkroom, the best part being that I've finally gotten rid of a few items associated with an ex that for some reason I'd been hanging onto. The lingering attachment to having them around just dropped dead as a fly in a January window.

Phase two with that room will begin soon, but for now I can see where everything is and it's ordered. Next will be a hopefully major deaccessioning of goods, mostly clothes. And a major culling of paper stuff. I also need to consider selling some of my books and records online. I do have some that are worth the hassle of doing so.

Ok, I'm just really tired now and I need to get away from the computer. Good night/good day/good week!

p.s.

I kinda thought I should say I'm feeling somewhat better. I realize that last post sounded pretty fricking dire. It's more that I was trying to illustrate part of what's kept me from posting much, I mean by just letting that shit hang out. Earlier tonight I decided to start a Live Journal, but it's completely private, just for me to babble away to myself and say really messed up crap. I've felt the need to start keeping a journal more regularly, esp. now that I am linking with my counselor again. I've gotten so used to writing on the computer, and I like the idea of being able to access my journal from anywhere. If I write anything that's better than just me hacking away messily at my feelings, desires, and motivations, I'll re-post it here. Hope everyone's week is off to a good start.

The Reservoir Dam is Weak

Have been feeling incredibly closed off and I don't know why. Have also been having gigantic self-esteem problems. I feel like an angry teenager. Misunderstood and wanting people to stay away from me. Feeling safety in aloneness. Sort of. Warding away the world. A tempest of swirling feelings pummeling me from my throat to my belly. Feeling almost helpless to stop it, watching myself slip into a cave, and rolling a stone across the entrance.

I'm beginning to think my childhood probably really fucked me up. How else to explain, even from my first boyfriend, at age 17... memories of sitting in the upstairs hallway at his house, banging my head against the wall... another time in bed, scrawling all over my naked body with a black permanent marker - "Hate me. Hate me. Hate me." His reaction. Grabbing me, "What are you doing?!? Don't do this! Don't you ever do this!!!" And of course the cutting. The drugs.

Umm. I've got some very, very serious self-esteem issues. I get self-protective. And that means I get cold. And that means that even if I care about you, you might not know it. And as I think about this shit... I feel fucking trapped. It's been clear for awhile that pain has been a keynote of so many of my relationships. I get feeling suspicious, doom-filled, inadequate, among many other things.

I wish I could say I was joking, or just trying to be dramatic. I just don't feel like I am enough sometimes. I don't think I am. I watch myself getting gripped by fear, paranoia, a feeling of being outside of everything, peripheral, interesting but basically a freak.

I do not feel like I am enough, tonight. I want to cry but I can't. Feeling this way and not crying is not a good thing. The feelings are so fucking stuck. It feels dangerous. Punishing myself and unable to accept even the most well intentioned kindness.

If the true source of pain were touched, discovered... I'm just fucking scared, and I don't know if I should move into, towards that fear and pain. I mean I know I should. But I feel like a child. And I don't feel like I know how.