The Reservoir Dam is Weak
Have been feeling incredibly closed off and I don't know why. Have also been having gigantic self-esteem problems. I feel like an angry teenager. Misunderstood and wanting people to stay away from me. Feeling safety in aloneness. Sort of. Warding away the world. A tempest of swirling feelings pummeling me from my throat to my belly. Feeling almost helpless to stop it, watching myself slip into a cave, and rolling a stone across the entrance.
I'm beginning to think my childhood probably really fucked me up. How else to explain, even from my first boyfriend, at age 17... memories of sitting in the upstairs hallway at his house, banging my head against the wall... another time in bed, scrawling all over my naked body with a black permanent marker - "Hate me. Hate me. Hate me." His reaction. Grabbing me, "What are you doing?!? Don't do this! Don't you ever do this!!!" And of course the cutting. The drugs.
Umm. I've got some very, very serious self-esteem issues. I get self-protective. And that means I get cold. And that means that even if I care about you, you might not know it. And as I think about this shit... I feel fucking trapped. It's been clear for awhile that pain has been a keynote of so many of my relationships. I get feeling suspicious, doom-filled, inadequate, among many other things.
I wish I could say I was joking, or just trying to be dramatic. I just don't feel like I am enough sometimes. I don't think I am. I watch myself getting gripped by fear, paranoia, a feeling of being outside of everything, peripheral, interesting but basically a freak.
I do not feel like I am enough, tonight. I want to cry but I can't. Feeling this way and not crying is not a good thing. The feelings are so fucking stuck. It feels dangerous. Punishing myself and unable to accept even the most well intentioned kindness.
If the true source of pain were touched, discovered... I'm just fucking scared, and I don't know if I should move into, towards that fear and pain. I mean I know I should. But I feel like a child. And I don't feel like I know how.
I'm beginning to think my childhood probably really fucked me up. How else to explain, even from my first boyfriend, at age 17... memories of sitting in the upstairs hallway at his house, banging my head against the wall... another time in bed, scrawling all over my naked body with a black permanent marker - "Hate me. Hate me. Hate me." His reaction. Grabbing me, "What are you doing?!? Don't do this! Don't you ever do this!!!" And of course the cutting. The drugs.
Umm. I've got some very, very serious self-esteem issues. I get self-protective. And that means I get cold. And that means that even if I care about you, you might not know it. And as I think about this shit... I feel fucking trapped. It's been clear for awhile that pain has been a keynote of so many of my relationships. I get feeling suspicious, doom-filled, inadequate, among many other things.
I wish I could say I was joking, or just trying to be dramatic. I just don't feel like I am enough sometimes. I don't think I am. I watch myself getting gripped by fear, paranoia, a feeling of being outside of everything, peripheral, interesting but basically a freak.
I do not feel like I am enough, tonight. I want to cry but I can't. Feeling this way and not crying is not a good thing. The feelings are so fucking stuck. It feels dangerous. Punishing myself and unable to accept even the most well intentioned kindness.
If the true source of pain were touched, discovered... I'm just fucking scared, and I don't know if I should move into, towards that fear and pain. I mean I know I should. But I feel like a child. And I don't feel like I know how.
posted by Black Egg at 8:54 PM
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