Talking
I'm getting better at it. I've tried to make a deal with my... boyfriend? Can I call him that at 6 months? I think so! But anyway, I've tried to make a deal with him that I will tell him what's going on with me as soon and as well as I'm able to when something is "up" with me. I have a pretty bad inherited/learned/habitual practice of internalizing the shit out of most things that bother me, to the point where I am virtually torturing myself with the crazy-making internal dialogue.
I'm finding that talking is better. I'm finding it helps to be with someone who encourages it, welcomes it, has the inner strength and sensitivity to deal with hearing what comes out without immediately barricading himself with an arsenal of defenses. It's pretty fucking cool.
It's also incredibly difficult for me at times. I really struggle, stumble, hesitate. Tonight I really needed to talk, I really really needed to talk and what did I do instead? Withheld, withdrew, closed off, became quieter and quieter. We got off the phone and I was still a churning mess. I sent a text: "I need to talk to you before I go to bed."
And so I did. And so we did. And it was peppered with the requisite and automatic "I'm sorrys" and "Don't be sorrys" etc. but I felt so good for keeping up my end of the deal, and talking. And the talking itself made us both feel better. I know this seems like sort of minor shit to write about, but trust me it's not. In particular after my last relationship, this is like learning a whole new language for me, and some of the conditioned fear and anxiety I used to have is chipping away.
The lesson that has been presenting itself to me over and over again lately is this: The quality and course of your life is determined by the small decisions you make every minute. Now I'm sure that is a paraphrased version of some quote or another from some other source, but it doesn't matter, that is the lesson I have been taking to heart on my own, it keeps throwing itself in my path. I have a choice, always, in how I address any situation - I can constrict my awareness and suffer; or I can expand it and either accept or work to change the situation.
It may sound kind of duh on paper, but in practice - how many people do you see or know that really stand back and examine their actions or take responsibility for them? Not so obvious, and not easy, either.
I like the idea of building a cooperative relationship with my life. I know I'm not alone when I say I sometimes have a tendency to throw roadblocks up ahead in advance of my travels. Think you can do (fill in the blank)? WRONG! WRONG! Look at the treacherous obstacles! Stop now! You'll never make it!
I'm sick of that shit. Beating up on myself, doubting my feelings, naysaying before anything's even been said. Learning to be your own best friend and ally shouldn't be so hard. I feel like I'm beginning to accept that it isn't so hard. And that's pretty cool.
I'm finding that talking is better. I'm finding it helps to be with someone who encourages it, welcomes it, has the inner strength and sensitivity to deal with hearing what comes out without immediately barricading himself with an arsenal of defenses. It's pretty fucking cool.
It's also incredibly difficult for me at times. I really struggle, stumble, hesitate. Tonight I really needed to talk, I really really needed to talk and what did I do instead? Withheld, withdrew, closed off, became quieter and quieter. We got off the phone and I was still a churning mess. I sent a text: "I need to talk to you before I go to bed."
And so I did. And so we did. And it was peppered with the requisite and automatic "I'm sorrys" and "Don't be sorrys" etc. but I felt so good for keeping up my end of the deal, and talking. And the talking itself made us both feel better. I know this seems like sort of minor shit to write about, but trust me it's not. In particular after my last relationship, this is like learning a whole new language for me, and some of the conditioned fear and anxiety I used to have is chipping away.
The lesson that has been presenting itself to me over and over again lately is this: The quality and course of your life is determined by the small decisions you make every minute. Now I'm sure that is a paraphrased version of some quote or another from some other source, but it doesn't matter, that is the lesson I have been taking to heart on my own, it keeps throwing itself in my path. I have a choice, always, in how I address any situation - I can constrict my awareness and suffer; or I can expand it and either accept or work to change the situation.
It may sound kind of duh on paper, but in practice - how many people do you see or know that really stand back and examine their actions or take responsibility for them? Not so obvious, and not easy, either.
I like the idea of building a cooperative relationship with my life. I know I'm not alone when I say I sometimes have a tendency to throw roadblocks up ahead in advance of my travels. Think you can do (fill in the blank)? WRONG! WRONG! Look at the treacherous obstacles! Stop now! You'll never make it!
I'm sick of that shit. Beating up on myself, doubting my feelings, naysaying before anything's even been said. Learning to be your own best friend and ally shouldn't be so hard. I feel like I'm beginning to accept that it isn't so hard. And that's pretty cool.
posted by Black Egg at 11:15 PM
6 Comments:
"The quality and course of your life is determined by the small decisions you make every minute."
BANG!!!
comunication is key. great that you are working some things out. and can you call him your boyfriend? are you exclusive? are you his girlfriend? have you talked about "labels" yet? huh, does it matter? what do you say when you go out and introduce each other.
i should be called inner questions... ha! keep it up, love reading yer posts as always
Good for you! And it's not minor shit, it's major shit. I myself fall victim to the internalization game. I make situations worse by clamming up and then making up what the other end of the conversation will be before I even try to talk to the person. My bf does it too, but we've really tried to stop that with each other. It's still hard. I still clam up. But I'm trying. And that's what counts. Sometimes I just tell him "ok, this is me trying to talk. here we go..." :) Good luck with the talking!
IV - Questions are welcome and good. Yes, we are definitely exclusive. Neither one of us is really into labels - when we're in social settings usually everyone there already knows what the deal is with us, either through him or me, so there's been no need so far... all I can say is that things are good, and yes, communication is key.
DM - Thanks for the props, and agreeing that it's major! Cause yeah it is. Oh and I know all about making situations worse by clamming up. But you're right, being aware that you both are trying is really what matters the most. Intention + courage = everything. Thanks for checking in...
when cheese and i started um, dating, she introduced me to her family as "the man im having amazing sex with right now". it was hilarious! so yeah, labels? who fucking cares right? and what i find that works the best is to laugh together A LOT!!! funny noises during um, yeah. poke fun of yerselves and joke about insecurities... everything else slowly melts away after that...
BETTER AT TALKING, WORSE AT BLOGGING?!?! im not sure if i support this avenue....
I know, I know, I know. As I mentioned in the post I just wrote, it's much easier to write about bad stuff - and lately I've had a lot of good stuff going on. I just need to find a way to write about it that
1. Feels private-ish
2. Isn't booooorrringgg!!!
And, though I have plenty of material to mine from my job, I've been feeling uncomfortable doing that lately. What's a girl to do? Oh, I just realized I could write about a really intense dream I had the other night. Later this week, maybe!
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