Damages
In about 36 hours I'll be put under hypnosis. My hope and desire is to do some time traveling, some deep diving. Got some shit to figure out.
About a week ago I had a nightmare. Exactly a week ago, actually. The same person, pulling the same shit. The same anger. Vitriolic. The same feeling. Completely helpless and alone. I woke up and immediately burst into tears. I met with my counselor 2 days later and burst into tears as I told it. I related the dream to my wonderful, amazing, rock-solid man, and completely and utterly lost it as I re-entered the dream and its full force hit me. He moved towards me instead of away, intensely towards me. This touched my core, and stilled me.
I feel afraid but also anticipatory. I need to know.
Yup, I've read plenty about false "recovered memories" and I have no illusions or disillusions about what may or may not occur under hypnosis. I do know the practitioner comes highly recommended by someone whose judgment I trust implicitly. I have no idea what to expect. But I can say with certainty that trauma exists somewhere in my body and/or psyche, how and by whose hand or actions or words it occurred I cannot be certain. I am, however, certain that it left a wound that needs healing, and closure. Badly.
It's the dreams more than anything that point me towards this certain feeling, the persistent theme, character - yes, one character, the emotions. The rage. It rises up easily and automatically in dreams.
Oh yes, heavy shit!
In other news...
My New Year's Eve was sweet. Had a party for the first time since 2001! Great food, drinks, and people. It was a cool mix of family and friends. Small gathering (small place.) New Years Day was spent hanging out with my man and his daughter before he went to work. He gave me a bottle of Frostbite white hot sauce (that sounds a bit dirty) which I proceeded to drop and smash open in the driveway while we took too long smooching goodbye.
Um. If you ever drop a bottle of this product. Well, first, SHIT. Fuck, Damn, Hell. Goddammit. What a waste. Second - don a pair of rubber gloves. Do not, repeat DO NOT cavalierly pick up the shards of glass and casually carry them to the trash without protection. Because hours later, despite scrubbing your hands with everything from olive oil and salt to puregrain to WD-40 - you might, um, make your girlfriend slightly uncomfortable in a place she should never be uncomfortable.
It passed relatively quickly, the discomfort, but the slow realization that THAT was what I was feeling was a little frightening. But I plan to replace the bottle! Because some of the mixed drinks made with that shit sound awesome! Just, for the love of all that's good and holy, keep it contained in glass!
Today I worked overtime and still didn't meet my deadlines for certain paperwork. Oh well! I know that I bust my ass, so my feeling is that if I didn't finish, it's because I'm doing too much. I'm serious. I do not have downtime at my job, ever. I'll finish up Sunday. Besides, I learned a computer trick to make it look like I finished on time, were anyone to bother checking.
The day - the week - the 3 glasses of hard cider - are catching up to me. Happy Friday to anyone reading!
About a week ago I had a nightmare. Exactly a week ago, actually. The same person, pulling the same shit. The same anger. Vitriolic. The same feeling. Completely helpless and alone. I woke up and immediately burst into tears. I met with my counselor 2 days later and burst into tears as I told it. I related the dream to my wonderful, amazing, rock-solid man, and completely and utterly lost it as I re-entered the dream and its full force hit me. He moved towards me instead of away, intensely towards me. This touched my core, and stilled me.
I feel afraid but also anticipatory. I need to know.
Yup, I've read plenty about false "recovered memories" and I have no illusions or disillusions about what may or may not occur under hypnosis. I do know the practitioner comes highly recommended by someone whose judgment I trust implicitly. I have no idea what to expect. But I can say with certainty that trauma exists somewhere in my body and/or psyche, how and by whose hand or actions or words it occurred I cannot be certain. I am, however, certain that it left a wound that needs healing, and closure. Badly.
It's the dreams more than anything that point me towards this certain feeling, the persistent theme, character - yes, one character, the emotions. The rage. It rises up easily and automatically in dreams.
Oh yes, heavy shit!
In other news...
My New Year's Eve was sweet. Had a party for the first time since 2001! Great food, drinks, and people. It was a cool mix of family and friends. Small gathering (small place.) New Years Day was spent hanging out with my man and his daughter before he went to work. He gave me a bottle of Frostbite white hot sauce (that sounds a bit dirty) which I proceeded to drop and smash open in the driveway while we took too long smooching goodbye.
Um. If you ever drop a bottle of this product. Well, first, SHIT. Fuck, Damn, Hell. Goddammit. What a waste. Second - don a pair of rubber gloves. Do not, repeat DO NOT cavalierly pick up the shards of glass and casually carry them to the trash without protection. Because hours later, despite scrubbing your hands with everything from olive oil and salt to puregrain to WD-40 - you might, um, make your girlfriend slightly uncomfortable in a place she should never be uncomfortable.
It passed relatively quickly, the discomfort, but the slow realization that THAT was what I was feeling was a little frightening. But I plan to replace the bottle! Because some of the mixed drinks made with that shit sound awesome! Just, for the love of all that's good and holy, keep it contained in glass!
Today I worked overtime and still didn't meet my deadlines for certain paperwork. Oh well! I know that I bust my ass, so my feeling is that if I didn't finish, it's because I'm doing too much. I'm serious. I do not have downtime at my job, ever. I'll finish up Sunday. Besides, I learned a computer trick to make it look like I finished on time, were anyone to bother checking.
The day - the week - the 3 glasses of hard cider - are catching up to me. Happy Friday to anyone reading!
posted by Black Egg at 9:39 PM
4 Comments:
how did it go? my grandmother was a hypnotheripist... always wanted to mungle around in my brain... no thanks... hope all went well!!
Was interesting. Started to blog about it, but the entry started really spinning off in other directions, which is fine, but it started to get long and I couldn't seem to wrap it up. Will get to it soon. The primary feeling I got in touch with relative to my childhood, was a profound sense of vulnerability, of not being safe, secure, or supported. And that's had me thinking a lot all week. Very few specific memories came up, and none that were buried or previously unconscious. Like I said, it was interesting.
cool... so whats the keyword they implanted to make you flap your arms like a chicken?!?! is it quack-attack? peanut butter? bumpersticker?
hahahaaaa.. just kidding.
so, hmmm... i have lots of questions about it, but cant seem to put them into words...
did you ever sort through your stuff? did you get rid of those books you were talking about? hmmm...
Still have the books, still have you at the top of the list...
The hypnosis was useful, but unpredictable. I remember everything about it, so no, no keywords to make me fall asleep or dry-hump the closest person or object or anything like that.
Sigh. I'll probably go back, but for reasons somewhat different than my original intentions.
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