the crazies
So there was that article all over the internets the other day that more or less said "Lack of sleep will make you nuts." That must make me certifiably insane. I kind of think I may have dozed off between 5:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m this morning, then lay there til my alarm went off at 7:30. So an hour is a generous estimate for last night. The night before that, I'm hazarding a guess and calling it about 3 hours. Night before that not much more. The night before that I actually slept heavily and hard, because the night before that I slept about 2 hours then spent the day at a wedding outside of Boston.
Things like the first game of the World Series feel weirdly distant from me tonight. Was watching and not caring. No emotion. More critical than my disinterest in the Red Sox is... my disinterest and distancing in general. I'm not feeling good about myself or my life. Trapped, depressed, and worried about self-sabotaging behavior. Mildly engaging in self-sabotaging behavior. Concocting half-assed and hare-brained schemes to get myself out of... this life.
I'm actually afraid of the potential damage I am capable of, not in the sense of anything violent or injurious to myself (though for the first time in a long time I had a strong urge to cut the other night.) Just - I'm having a really hard time feeling and staying positive or hopeful about many things, and it's chipping away at me, and it's not very good. It's pretty bad. And I'm fucking scared. And I don't know why I'm posting this, but I can't write anymore.
Really, really, I'm going to try and sleep now.
Things like the first game of the World Series feel weirdly distant from me tonight. Was watching and not caring. No emotion. More critical than my disinterest in the Red Sox is... my disinterest and distancing in general. I'm not feeling good about myself or my life. Trapped, depressed, and worried about self-sabotaging behavior. Mildly engaging in self-sabotaging behavior. Concocting half-assed and hare-brained schemes to get myself out of... this life.
I'm actually afraid of the potential damage I am capable of, not in the sense of anything violent or injurious to myself (though for the first time in a long time I had a strong urge to cut the other night.) Just - I'm having a really hard time feeling and staying positive or hopeful about many things, and it's chipping away at me, and it's not very good. It's pretty bad. And I'm fucking scared. And I don't know why I'm posting this, but I can't write anymore.
Really, really, I'm going to try and sleep now.
posted by Black Egg at 10:21 PM
4 Comments:
being scared about it all is a good sign. when you start not worrying about your thoughts and look forward to your last days i'll be reaching through the phone lines to give you a little shake and then a big hug. get some sleep. angels are watching.
I haven't looked at my blog since I wrote this. Doing better. Still getting shit for sleep, but feeling calmer. I don't consider myself to be religious, but when things get really bad, and the anxiety and pain feel like too much to bear, I do think of angels, especially when I'm trying to sleep. Thanks for the thoughts. Hope things are good on your side of the continent.
i used to tell people that i was sending them my angels, cause i think so many of them are watching over me. i believe it, but i started to think that perhaps they are watching over everyone and all hang out where its the most fun/hard/needed/empty.... do you know what i mean... so i only say it now when things are really bad.
and thanks for the trans-contenental wishes! we are finally getting some weather. no more of this sunny and warm all the time shit.(damn, who likes it sunny and warm all the time anyway? sheesh.) but to you as well! hope the impending snow dumping and ice storms wont get you down. i think it dropped into the fifties last night here... brrr..
I truly appreciate your thoughts and wishes, and apologize for my lack of online presence these days. Things are better, in a basic way. Tidings to your angels, and back again...
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